i feel guilty for letting him inside my head
we’re apart for a reason
we’re apart to be fixed
i know that if we tried, if we were together now & tried to fix it on our own itd be like putting two broken wine glasses back together with our bare hands. if we wanted to badly enough, we could do it. but it could take years & you’d still see the cracks & the cuts on our fingers
we were pulled apart
to hopefully be brought together as malleable people, to hopefully be transformed into two halves of the same earthen vessel instead of all the shards & broken pieces that we are
God, you’re the only One who knows just how badly i want him
how furious i am at all the girls before me who took his heart for granted
it’s like for the first time in my life i want sex …but for every other reason. i dont care if it feels good or if it hurts, or if everyone else is doing it, i just want the emotional, spiritual aspect of it more than anything else;
i want the experience God meant for me to have. the real gift, the real thing. losing myself in someone else, with someone else, with not just anybody else, but with the only man i could ever love.
and its him
i dont know why
ill never understand why
i just know
im in love with this broken heart
& i want to help God make it new
but i’m too limited by my humanity
to really do much of anything but screw things up
i gave him up today.
told God that i would do my best to stop interfering & just let Him handle it. let Him take care of all the things i cant. give up my own selfish desire to have his heart so that God could have it & i could just tag along
if that’s okay.
…i hope it meant something
i hope i did good