..And So It Goes..

ami nouveau

it’s probably nothing
i don’t really want to think about it
he was probably just out of it anyway

..i just thought i saw something in his eyes

i was looking for lyrics & i turned around & he had a look on his face that mike used to have..

i mean usually i just glance at people
& they glance at me, but i saw his eyes this time

but who am i kidding
it probably wasnt him looking at me, but me looking at him if that makes any sense

he’s out of my spiritual league
he’ll be preaching soon & i’m still getting used to not being sad all the time

in a way though, i do almost wish the unwishable. cause he’s good. he notices

..i sit on the floor when i’m nervous

i’m trying not to hate you.
but honestly, if i never saw you again for the rest of my life i’d be fine. i actually wish you’d leave for good. i don’t want to be your friend, i don’t want to be in your memories cause everytime you pop into one of mine, everytime i think about your hands or your lips even remotely close to mine i feel like violently sick.
knowing i wasted my energy on someone who broke every promise he ever made to me and lied to my face the entire time.. i want to hurt you like you hurt me, but i cant even look at you anymore cause it just reminds me of how much of an idiot i was for thinking you were anything more than “that guy” every girl regrets trusting at one point in her life.
thanks for replacing me so quickly cause it made you that much easier to forget. its just the forgiveness i’m still working on.

ps: i still wish you & ?? your own fairytale ending, just please quit smoking before you die in 20 years of lung/heart/mouth cancer & leave her depressed with no way to support your 3 kids. and please figure your life out, cause she deserves better than a doped up college dropout with a dead end job.

24

dear FH,

if you end up being mike, i swear, i will give up my desire for children just so i can randomly kick you in the balls with every ounce of my strength for having your gay as hell rebound.

if you end up not being mike,
hon, there’s someone i’d like you to help me kick.

—X

ps: seriously you jerk i’d ask you what the hell you were smoking if i didn’t already know. putting me through all that crap just to turn into the perfect guy for SOMEONE ELSE ??! i’m gonna make you a reservation at the ER three months in advance, kick you, and let you lie there in agony until i’m good and ready to kick you even harder, and then let you crawl to the hospital by yourself and when you reach the automatic doors i’ll make sure they accidentally slam shut on your junk and malfunction so you can sit there for another hour letting it all get crushed before they amputate whatever’s left. your freaking carol replacement therapy has tainted all my firsts. i am so freaking mind-numbingly ROYALLY pissed off, you better hope, fast & pray on your hands and knees that i’m not celestially destined to be your wife.

love is patient, love is kind

love is terrifying
love is all-encompassing
love is impossible to understand
love is the best burden you could ever ask for
love is powerful
love is real
..both a rare and constant thing that never really leaves you no matter the distance or the circumstances

love is easy
love is hard
love is black
love is white
love is worth the fight

every second was worth it..
because it was real

the water running down my cheeks
anointing my lips for a lifetime’s worth of songs that wont make sense to anybody else is all the proof i can manage

in spite of everything
i still hope it’s you
one more thought i have to bury deep inside my heart
..hope that someday
God willing
you’ll come back & make it bloom

storm

my heart is heavy
i cant sleep
i cant relax
i cant stop thinking of a thousand crappy things
i feel like i’m being devoured
by a lesser version of myself
like i’m fighting for posession of my own mind of my own heart
i keep choosing all the wrong things
i keep running away from God
i keep failing
and feeling guilty
and not facing Him because it’s hard enough to face myself
nevermind the Daddy i keep disappointing
why do i keep on running
i just want to be at peace
i just want to sleep
i just want to breathe without feeling the weight of my mistakes on my back

Jesus i need You
please come help me
please speak to me
please help me not be sad anymore
please take all my problems away
nobody else can help me
i cant help myself
please help me sleep
please help me breathe
please steady my heart
clear my mind take all my thoughts captive and make them obedient to you
take all my pain all my burdens all my worries all my jealousy all my preoccupations
take my love
take my lust
take my talent
take my pride
take my shame
take my guilt
take my fury
take the clouds away
calm the storms like you did before
bring me back to life out of this state of dread and frustration bordering on apathy
i want to love You
i want to be near somebody
i want the right kind of attention
i want the right kind of love
i want to be loved because it’s what you want for me & not because it’s what i want for myself
Jesus save me
save me please
save me please
free me from these chains
free me from myself
free me from what’s not myself & claims to be
free me from it all
and make me whole again

i dont want to cry anymore
i want to be happy
i dont want to show off anymore
i want to be anointed
i dont want to feel jealous anymore
i want to feel peace
i want to hear worship as worship not music
i want to hear music as praise not emotions
i need You Lord
i need Your help
i need Your rescue
i need Your hand to lead me out
Jesus i pray in Your name
let it be

amen

i dont think you need to really know someone to “get” them.
i feel like i see people better than i engage them.
my method is: find a stranger, introduce myself, speak, listen & walk away.
it isnt anything spectacular but i feel like i’m fairly good at reading people. how they respond to questions, to challenges & to my own reactions lets me know more about the kind of person they are than digging though bits & pieces of exaggerated small talk for evidence of character.

it’s just the way i do things i guess

maybe

maybe it’s okay to be sad sometimes
maybe i dont need to always get the things i want
maybe i’m wrong
maybe i’m not

the scariest thing i can imagine right now is being wrong about you
being rejected when i’m so convinced that it wasnt an accident
being told that it’s been over for a while, that you moved on without letting me know

because it would mean somebody else
someone i havent met yet
& i’d feel that piece of me gone again.. that piece that you fit into
that piece of myself i’ve been saving that i cant even put a name to

i dont believe anyone can complete me
but there’s a reason God refers to it as one flesh

i’ve saved that piece for you
i’m waiting for you

please don’t take my heart for granted

23

i cant tell if i’m getting better or worse at letting go & letting God

..i’m not worried about him at all anymore
i know Who my God is & i know what He’s done.. He could literally recreate the transformation scene from Beauty & the Beast and fix you on the spot and it’d be the equivalent of Him scratching His nose

i’m paying closer attention to the things i do, the things i say, the things i hear & the things i think about… nowhere near perfect but a decent start :)

idk
i’m so at peace
i’m so in love with Him and
so in love with you
and i know you’re gonna be okay
and i know we’re gonna be happy whether we’re together or apart

..God, i love You so much
You give me every reason to smile, to hope, to dream, to love, to have faith & to keep going.. You hear my prayers even if they’re about silly things i should already know & You have patience with me every time i struggle… Daddy, i love you so ! <3
keep us safe tonight, tomorrow and for the rest of our lives;
help us see more of You everyday so that our love for You might never stop growing, and help us change lives, speak life through us and guide us with Your word, Your voice & wise counsel. may we keep all the good thoughts & reject the bad when they try to overcome us.
thank you for listening :)
iJn,
Amen

22

i feel guilty for letting him inside my head

we’re apart for a reason
we’re apart to be fixed

i know that if we tried, if we were together now & tried to fix it on our own itd be like putting two broken wine glasses back together with our bare hands. if we wanted to badly enough, we could do it. but it could take years & you’d still see the cracks & the cuts on our fingers

we were pulled apart
to hopefully be brought together as malleable people, to hopefully be transformed into two halves of the same earthen vessel instead of all the shards & broken pieces that we are

God, you’re the only One who knows just how badly i want him
how furious i am at all the girls before me who took his heart for granted

..

idk

it’s like for the first time in my life i want sex …but for every other reason. i dont care if it feels good or if it hurts, or if everyone else is doing it, i just want the emotional, spiritual aspect of it more than anything else;
i want the experience God meant for me to have. the real gift, the real thing. losing myself in someone else, with someone else, with not just anybody else, but with the only man i could ever love.

and its him
i dont know why
ill never understand why
i just know

im in love with this broken heart
& i want to help God make it new
but i’m too limited by my humanity
to really do much of anything but screw things up

sigh

i gave him up today.
told God that i would do my best to stop interfering & just let Him handle it. let Him take care of all the things i cant. give up my own selfish desire to have his heart so that God could have it & i could just tag along

if that’s okay.

…i hope it meant something
i hope i did good

love is&#8230;

love is…

21

im a dummy arent i

dying my hair
painting my nails
singing louder
picking out the perfect dress, perfect shoes, perfect shade of lipstick he wont even notice

he’s not supposed to notice me
i’m not entirely sure he’s even allowed to care

You told him to back off
You told him to seek you out
i get it
i get it God
God i just miss him

i miss him so much
and missing him means feeling guilty because I know i’m not supposed to miss him either

but i do

and i feel horrible because of it, sad because i’m lonely and sad because i feel like feeling lonely is a sin

i dont know what to say to You or how to say it because i’m afraid of saying something wrong
i’m afraid of letting You down

and I know that grace covers this but it doesnt fix my confusion, it doesn’t replace the warmth that I felt in his arms

he’s not my god
but i can hug him
i cant hug You
as much as i want You to, You cant hug me

i cant see You without being hurt
i mean moses only saw You walk by who am i to get anything more

it’s harder this time
because he’s allowed to talk to me & doesnt
because i thought he was okay but he wasnt
because we were closer, because we let the walls come down and everytime i see him its like he sees right through me

im still bare
i look into his eyes and see myself raw, more vulnerable than ive ever been and i dont know how to be normal around him anymore

im afraid of his eyes
but theyre the only hope i have of ever knowing him again

/