..And So It Goes..

sick

when your mind slips through your fingers like water with a life of its own
losing control of yourself and your surroundings
the lines between fact and fiction, experience and fantasy are blurred beyond recognition
coughing out bits of your lungs
forgetting how to breathe and how to be
forgetting who you are and all you’ve seen
who are you living for
why are you here
why does it matter
who do you care about
if anyone
if anything

my heart is a rolling stone
full of cracks in unexpected places
harboring fugitives who’ll disappear again, pictures of the nameless on the walls
rewards i cant repay, faces i cant even see in daydreams

i’ve been mourning every morning for the past six weeks

absolutely

wrong in every way possible.

how can music not be art?
and how can the person making it not be an artist?

art moves people. art inspires them, and shows them what they’ve never known about themselves.
drama does it. dance does it.

..but music is so much more.
it brings you home, it strengthens your emotions, heightens your senses, it gives you something to relate to, something to hope for, something to strive for, something to say when you’ve lost your mind and all the words that belong inside of it.

i had to drag myself to that show.
i didnt want to be there, didnt want to see or be around anyone who could read the pain written all over my face.
to have to stand out in another crowd i didnt belong to.

i got there an hour late,
wasted thirty minutes of my life listening to this guy cursing and playing all these predictable melodies and beats, singing half decent lyrics out of tune about the repercussions of being his ex. no substance, no soul, no reason for me to stick around other than the $10.25 i paid to get there.

[aside: i love mike maines & the branches.
not only do they sound spectacular and put on an amazing show, but the lead singer reminds me of doctor who]

which brings me to the reason i showed up in the first place..
these four guys from out of state, hellbent on resurrecting rock & roll.

i stood as close I could, hoping to absorb whatever residual energy was flowing off the stage; close enough to the speakers that noone could hear me screaming along, singing at the top of my lungs all the harmonies i could find to match the ones already set in stone.

i could feel the anxiety melting away with every song they played, all my tortured, tangled thoughts unraveling, unwinding.. replaced with all these, for lack of a better name, happy vibes.
i closed my eyes in an effort to dissect it.. listen to how each instrument fit so perfectly and delicately with the other in the most explosive manner

and that’s when it happened.
the instrumental break from touch this light. there arent words to describe how unreal that felt.
its when you start to wish for impossible things. not to stop time, but to slow it down enough to see the seams in your reality, to pull at the strings and hide between the layers holding everything together. to see a mirror of your soul in the space between two strummed out chords and feel your heart breaking at the realization that it’ll be over in the next eight seconds. to lose your breath and breathe in all the notes at the same time, feel it coursing through your veins.. love and fury more powerful than any drug known to man.

all the while this pretty boy from ohio thinks he’s playing just another rock song.

ugh.
your name is house of heroes, not house of people who do the same crap as everybody else.

I thank God for all your talent, for your determination to chase after the kind of dream society scorns, and for bringing you here to NY to cheer me up, if only for a night.

dont shirk the artist title when you all so obviously deserve it.

11

can you be here now
whoever you are
to hug me and tell me my lights look pretty
to say stupid things you’ll spend all week regretting

pra mim fazer cafuné, carinho, comida
hahah!

for us to get better together
so you can tell me my philosophy is wack
so we can look for truth, make fun of each other,
feel bad for the rest of the world because
none of them have you
none of them have me
and none of them ever will

-X
 

appendix

i told my parents.
i told the pastor.

they don’t think i’m doing it for the right reason.
they wouldn’t understand.

i’m just a number.
i’m everybody’s tool as far as everyone’s concerned.

at least i used to be. but i refuse to live another day as just another Christian;
Jesus deserves a thousand times more than all the love i have to give. i cant be a disappointment any longer 

the beginning of the end

this weekend is the start of the finish.
the beginning of the end of everything i’ve ever known for sure
of every constant, fallback, security blanket i’ve ever had.
 
i’m gonna miss it all to death
but i know it’s gonna be okay.
..they’re gonna be okay, they always have been.

i’m gonna be okay. 
no matter what happens 

panicpanicpanicpanicpanicpanicpanic

i cant-
hyperventilating-
twitchingspazzingshivering-
heart..lungs.. pain
aughhh
i dont want to be here
i want to leave i

i feel
detached
stretched out
drained out
burned out
wasted

can i be normal
can i be thin
can you let me be happy
can you leave me alone
can you not make me feel guilty for going after the best thing i’ve ever experienced

can i make new friends
can i try to be normal
can i try to be healthy without being smothered, without being bothered, without being haunted by everything that pains me to remember

i love GSC
i feel so alone there but still so content
i dont care if i dont know people
or that i live so far
or that my talent is zero compared to those guys
i cant be the change if i havent been changed myself, and this is the only place where it will happen

i need to be free
i need you all to let me go

10

in about five hours
i’ll be changing the course of my life
finally moving on to something better
something that will bring me closer to Jesus, closer to myself
and just maybe, closer to you

i could be completely mistaken, God only knows who you are
but i’m hoping you’ll be the best thing about my new life
that if you’re not the person i’m thinking of, that maybe you’ll meet me here
that you’ll see me at my best and want to be a part of the change i’m making in myself

that’s all i really want..
someone to be there when my world explodes
when it all falls into place again
..when all my dreams come true
..

sigh..

..i’ll be seeing you <3

X