if you end up being mike, i swear, i will give up my desire for children just so i can randomly kick you in the balls with every ounce of my strength for having your gay as hell rebound.
if you end up not being mike,
hon, there’s someone i’d like you to help me kick.
ps: seriously you jerk i’d ask you what the hell you were smoking if i didn’t already know. putting me through all that crap just to turn into the perfect guy for SOMEONE ELSE ??! i’m gonna make you a reservation at the ER three months in advance, kick you, and let you lie there in agony until i’m good and ready to kick you even harder, and then let you crawl to the hospital by yourself and when you reach the automatic doors i’ll make sure they accidentally slam shut on your junk and malfunction so you can sit there for another hour letting it all get crushed before they amputate whatever’s left. your freaking carol replacement therapy has tainted all my firsts. i am so freaking mind-numbingly ROYALLY pissed off, you better hope, fast & pray on your hands and knees that i’m not celestially destined to be your wife.