i feel guilty for letting him inside my head
we’re apart for a reason
we’re apart to be fixed
i know that if we tried, if we were together now & tried to fix it on our own itd be like putting two broken wine glasses back together with our bare hands. if we wanted to badly enough, we could do it. but it could take years & you’d still see the cracks & the cuts on our fingers
we were pulled apart
to hopefully be brought together as malleable people, to hopefully be transformed into two halves of the same earthen vessel instead of all the shards & broken pieces that we are
God, you’re the only One who knows just how badly i want him
how furious i am at all the girls before me who took his heart for granted
it’s like for the first time in my life i want sex …but for every other reason. i dont care if it feels good or if it hurts, or if everyone else is doing it, i just want the emotional, spiritual aspect of it more than anything else;
i want the experience God meant for me to have. the real gift, the real thing. losing myself in someone else, with someone else, with not just anybody else, but with the only man i could ever love.
and its him
i dont know why
ill never understand why
i just know
im in love with this broken heart
& i want to help God make it new
but i’m too limited by my humanity
to really do much of anything but screw things up
i gave him up today.
told God that i would do my best to stop interfering & just let Him handle it. let Him take care of all the things i cant. give up my own selfish desire to have his heart so that God could have it & i could just tag along
if that’s okay.
…i hope it meant something
i hope i did good
im a dummy arent i
dying my hair
painting my nails
picking out the perfect dress, perfect shoes, perfect shade of lipstick he wont even notice
he’s not supposed to notice me
i’m not entirely sure he’s even allowed to care
You told him to back off
You told him to seek you out
i get it
i get it God
God i just miss him
i miss him so much
and missing him means feeling guilty because I know i’m not supposed to miss him either
but i do
and i feel horrible because of it, sad because i’m lonely and sad because i feel like feeling lonely is a sin
i dont know what to say to You or how to say it because i’m afraid of saying something wrong
i’m afraid of letting You down
and I know that grace covers this but it doesnt fix my confusion, it doesn’t replace the warmth that I felt in his arms
he’s not my god
but i can hug him
i cant hug You
as much as i want You to, You cant hug me
i cant see You without being hurt
i mean moses only saw You walk by who am i to get anything more
it’s harder this time
because he’s allowed to talk to me & doesnt
because i thought he was okay but he wasnt
because we were closer, because we let the walls come down and everytime i see him its like he sees right through me
im still bare
i look into his eyes and see myself raw, more vulnerable than ive ever been and i dont know how to be normal around him anymore
im afraid of his eyes
but theyre the only hope i have of ever knowing him again
i wish you had never let me go
i wish ..
it didnt hurt.
You could show me how much better it gets
i miss my friend
…i wish he missed me
Please fix this gaping hole in the middle of my chest.
In Jesus’ name,
…i dont want to forget.
i miss his lips, his tongue and that bitter, ashy taste in my mouth when we’d pull away from each other and laugh for absolutely no reason.
i miss the contours of his face, tracing his dimples, his eyebrows, and the sandpaper stubble on his cheeks with my fingers;
i miss running them through his hair, and down his back
i miss our random conversations on the ride home that i can never remember but he apparently stored someplace in the back of his mind. the way he was always encouraging whether it was singing, a job or sibling drama, he never complained about anything i said
i miss every second we ever had to ourselves. walking through moma, at the game shop, lost in the middle of greenwich when he put his arms on my shoulders and made every cell in my body go into shock, “falling asleep” in the backseat of jack’s car and listening to his heart beat ten times slower than mine, praying to God it didnt mean that it was damaged, begging Him to fix it just for me
i miss his breath tickling my ear when he whispered “minha namorada é linda…” after our first kiss
i miss hearing him talk about music, explaining all the songs i couldnt understand, and showing me all the ones that meant something to him… telling me why they were important. and the way he’d lip sync every song, even the girl ones.
i miss his eyes.
the way he used to stare at me, analyze me, try to figure me out and not believe for a second that he could ever be lucky enough to be entrusted with my heart.
God, i miss his eyes more than anything. i see him at church & it’s like he does everything possible to avoid seeing me. i know that was the deal but i still find myself dressing up, trying my best to look as stunning as possible every weekend in the hopes of seeing it again for even half a second… that look that scares me to death and makes me question every negative thought i’ve ever had about myself.
..i dont want to forget any of it.
whether i end up in his arms three months from now or not, he was my first anything.. important in more ways than one. ..i couldnt hate him if i tried.
i see it now
i didnt understand
but its true, i’m learning something
i’m seeing something, i’m realizing that this world is bigger than i am
that love sinks down beneath the skin and infects the blood, stains the soul, and tears you apart to make you whole
i dont know if you’re my husband
i dont know what the future holds for us, but i know that God brought us together to change our hearts, to make us better.
i asked for Him to awaken my heart, to teach me to love and to be loved.
Mike.. God used you to open my eyes;
my heart breaks every day that i’m not sure that you’re okay, every day that you’re confused about your faith is a day i fight to make my own faith stronger. i fight to be brave because i dont want to lose you to the world & i dont want you to lose God for a world that couldnt love you as much as He does.. or as much as I do.
i cant even tell you what i see in you because you’d never believe me, but i know that God sees you in the same way, that God sees more of it because He made you to be the amazing man that you are, and that you have yet to be. i’m literally starving; hungry for God and hungry for change, desperate to see the best possible version of yourself shining through the cloud of smoke obscuring you.
..i’m not in love with you, but my heart’s been changing from the second i threw that quarter in the fountain. i fought so hard to stay away, and now i fight to keep you around, i fight for your heart because loving you has taught me how to love everybody else.
so if i die today or if i die 80 years from now, halfway through dying your dentures hot pink lmaoo …
thanks for being my friend
you’re the first boy i’ve cried over in five years
i wish i could hate you
there’s solace in hatred
i wish i could hate you so badly
i wish this didnt hurt
but if it doesnt hurt it isnt love
i wish i knew
i wish you loved me too
- M : can you keep a secret?
- X : okay
- M : close your eyes
- M : ❤ ! ! !
- X : ! ! !
he came without a warning, without flashing neon signs or arrows pointed at his face. he drifted past my field of vision, but never made any attempt to force himself into it. three months went by without a sound, without a second glance and all of a sudden, ..i saw him
those dark brown eyes that stole the breath from my lungs, that sought to compensate for the lack of air in his own. i could kick and scream all i wanted but i think i mightve known it even then.
all i ever asked for was a friend, and that’s exactly what i got. this stranger who defended and protected me, the words on a screen that lit up my face a few seconds at a time, a couple hours everyday. the hug after the trip, before the trip back home. those arms i had to tear myself away from.
he’s literally the last person on earth i ever expected i’d be falling for ..but i think that’s exactly what’s happening.
he’s nothing like the man i always pictured in my head, and ..i’ve never been so relieved about anything in my life.
he’s the one who makes me unafraid to think, to run, to feel, to fight, to be, to sing, and to soar past any expectation i ever had of myself.
he’s everything i didnt know i wanted & i cant wait to watch my fairytale unfold.
…i have the coolest boyfriend in the world
three things made all the difference
he calls me unique, he calls me amazing, he calls me precious.. he doesnt call me weird or fail; all he ever does is lift up my spirits
he says i’m not like most people, or like most girls. i stand out as a person before i stand out as someone attractive, who i am matters more than how i am or look
he says he loves my gift of music, and says he’d love me the same without it. my heart matters more than my talent
.. he found me
he’s not right for me.
he’s not right for me.
he’s not right for me either.
no one is.
i walk around with a picture of you in my head, i try to be a better version of myself for you and (it works but) i get surrounded by people who arent you, guys who want me to be someone i cant be. guys who arent safe or warm or who understand me the way you do. they dont speak my language, don’t see me for who i am, they look past my flaws instead of facing them and loving me regardless.
i want you in the worst possible way.
please come home
free me from the minds of all the others
take my heart and hold it up so all the world can see your name engraved there